Robbie's Diary
by ScienceIsAwesome
Summary: "Wanna make something happen between her and I. But I don't wanna ruin what we've already established. Because this friendship is unlike any other." Angst, romance, hurt/comfort, friendship. Cabbie. Robbie's POV.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hi everyone! So, this is the first chapter of a Cabbie series that I've recently thought up the idea for. It's gonna be another emotion and internal conflict based story, and it'll be told form Robbie's point of view. Because in this story, the other characters don't really matter, and we want to see as deeply into Robbie's head as possibly, I thought, why not do it in diary form? I know it's not common to see guys write diaries, but hey, Robbie is just so, Robbie. Seems like something he MIGHT do, don't you think? **

**That being said, I'm not sure how well it'll turn out, honestly. Because like I said, it's an idea, but I haven't yet planned for future chapters just yet. So this first entry will be more than anything a test entry to see how people like it or not. And as usual, I'll put the decision making power in you, my reader's hands, so that I can determine the best course of action - to continue or to drop the story. I'd like to continue, but only if people like it. **

**Anyways, enough rambling. Without any further ado, I bring you, the first chapter of this series (that I have no title for so far). Tell me how you like this first chapter! Be honest, but please don't put any flames down! **

**Disclaimer: Victorious and its characters ain't mine.**

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**Robbie's Diary**

_Monday, November 14, 2011 _

Dear Diary,

Have you ever had one of those days where you just wanted it to end? Well, that's exactly what my day was like today. Nothing new actually happened – my routines have been exactly as they always been. And it's not because I felt like I did bad on my chemistry test like last time that I told you I had a long day. I think it's that I've had enough of dealing with people at school and just school in general. And that's pretty bad, considering how it's only November – we're not even halfway into the year yet! The fact that it's my least favorite day of the week today – Monday – certainly doesn't help matters either.

What I'm _really_ getting tired of is my friends cracking their unkind jokes about me behind my back when they think when I am not listening, and then just acting so innocent when I approach them a minute later as if nothing happened. Truth is, I've caught them I'm guessing about 90% of the time they tried. I've just chosen to stay silent about it, for my own sake and for their sake. But I think I'm gonna eventually let them have it most likely, because I really don't know how much more I'm capable of handling before I completely blow up in their faces. I mean, I'm a nice guy and don't wanna actually blow up despite all this, but I think if this continues, it's inevitable. And if that happens, I'm bound to lose my position in my friends' group, as they can easily just get rid of me like an unwanted dust bunny. I'm not popular like they are anyways, so if that was to happen, I'd be completely alone.

Now, I know what you're thinking, diary. You want to know why I still call them my friends if they've treated me badly like this for so long, and continue doing it. Am I right? You wanna know why I still call them my friends despite them treating me like a pile of dirt all to gain popularity points. After all, I've told you about being pushed around by these so-called "friends" ever since the beginning of high school, and I've time and time again poured out my feelings to you over the issue. Well, after ranting about it to you so many times, I guess it's only fair that I tell you. You ready? Here goes. The simple answer is, I _don't _consider them friends_._ Jade West, Beck Oliver, Andre Harris, and even Tori Vega. I don't favor any of those four. The truth is,_ none_ of them are my friends, or even acquaintances for that matter. I _hate_ being pushed around by all of them more than almost anything else at school. It's extremely embarrassing and insulting when you are actually more compassionate and empathetic of others but get less consideration all because of stupid gossip. And I'm not saying that because I'm full of myself like they are. No, trust me. Even though you are my safe haven, and that you will never judge me, diary, I am not telling you this just so I can make myself feel better. The thing is, I try very hard to bond closely with every one of my new friends. And for old friends, I do whatever it takes to maintain that friendship. For me, each and every one of my friends matter to me, and I would practically die if any one of them disappeared completely from my life. I know I only have a handful of them to begin with, but in all honesty, who doesn't? It seems that all the more popular people at my school have thousands of friends, but I call that complete bullshit. You should see how easily some of them are willing to just let their "friends" enter and exit their lives without second moment considerations whatsoever. I don't doubt that they have real friends too, but my guess is, not really any more than I do. And if you ever happen to survey and prove me otherwise, then I gladly admit my defeat. But good luck trying to find ample evidence of someone having thousands of friends where they actually personally know each one as well as I do to all my friends, or ones where they would be heartbroken to lose. Nope, they are just a bunch of gossipers who have nothing better to do but bash kids lesser than them. Guess they'll have to learn the hard way that what they are doing is not the correct way of making friends.

I know your next question too. Do I have any real friends at Hollywood Arts? Ha, I can read you so well, diary. Not that I wouldn't be able to, of course. Anyways, yes, I do. But only _one_ whom I can honestly say I am as intimate with as I just described to you above. What's his name you might ask? Well, not so much _his_ name as _her_ name. Yup, that's right. Ironically, despite my terrible luck with girls in general (both romantically and platonically), the only person I could honestly say I am close friends with at Hollywood Arts is a girl. I mean, people like Sinjin and some of his friends are also buddies of mine, and because they are also constantly poked fun of like me, they understand perfectly what it's like to be in my position. But as for close friends, not quite yet, since I've only known them for a year and a half compared to the girl I was talking about, whom I've known since kindergarten. And – you're really gonna be confused at this next part – I really wish that I _wasn't_ friends with her.

Haha, okay, I'll tell you her name now. Why wouldn't I? Her name is Cat. Caterina Valentine. Yup, that's right, the girl you've probably heard about oh, I don't know, a hundred sixty four times already (not that I'm counting, of course) since I started high school. By now you probably full-out understand that I really like her and all, and despite everyone else's annoyances, I love her hyper personality. Just being around her can brighten up any of my days. Even on a day like today, where I feel depressed about my life at school in general. Too bad she wasn't at school today.

So, after hearing all that, you'd probably wanna know why I am wishing I wasn't friends with her, right? Good question. Let me tell you a little secret about my relationship with Cat. The reason why I haven't told you this sooner is because I've only come to the full realization of it quite recently. Not sure when it actually began, but I only fully understood in the past few weeks. Anyways, here goes. Actually, what I meant by that sentence was, I really wish I wasn't_ just _friends with her. I'd never wish away a close friend of mine, especially since I only have five on this whole planet (including Cat). The truth is, I like Cat way more than I should for a friend. Okay, fine, I'll just say it. I think I'm _in love_ with Cat Valentine. Yes, you heard right. I'm _in love_ with the one girl who's my only true friend at school. Not sure when I began to develop it, but I hardly think I'm wrong. And to be brutally honest with you, why wouldn't I be? She's so sweet and caring for just about everyone around her, and has the most adorable smile in the world. And on top of all, she's just so, I don't know, unique. There's not really a way to describe her really. Words don't really seem good enough at all.

So there you go. You could probably imagine what that feels like, right? When you are close friends with the same person you have a crush on. It's both the best and worst feeling in the world. Best as in you know the other person likes you at least, and can understand you just as you can for them. But worst as in, you're completely lost and clueless as to what you should do in such a scenario. And that is precisely how I feel right now. On one hand, I'm glad she is a friend of mine, so that I can at least have the reassurance of knowing that she likes me. But on the other, I don't know how I should approach her, or if I should at all. I mean, I don't wanna ruin a perfectly good friendship. I already said that I value each and every one of my friends, and can't imagine losing any one of them, right? Well, now imagine losing the only one you have at school all because of a failed relationship or awkwardness if I tell her. Not a pleasant thought, right? Exactly. So that being said, you could probably imagine what type of state I am in over this. On one hand, I really wanna confess to her and ask her out, because I truly do believe that we have a decent chance at things to take a shot. But what if I make things awkward between us, or what if we do date, and it ends horribly wrong? If that happened, I honestly don't know how I'd be able to live on with my school life. Besides the obvious "I'll be friendless" reason, there's something else I haven't told you yet. You know how I said earlier on that despite being around them almost daily, I don't consider Tori, Beck, Jade, and Andre friends of mine? Well, I have I told you yet why I still put up with them, and let them do their thing? No? Okay, well, when I tell you, you're gonna think I'm pathetic. Promise me you won't judge, alright?

You might be thinking what everyone else thinks right now – that I'm too weak to really do anything about it, and too scared to stand out, so I just let it all wash over me. Or you might be thinking that because I'm a nerd surrounded by a popular group, I am just desperately trying to win my own popularity points by making it look like I fit in with a popular group at school. But neither one is correct. I know that a lot of nerds and losers at socially divided schools would do almost anything to fit in with the upper groups at their schools, but I am proud to say that you can count me out when it comes to that. I care not whether I'm popular or not, because popularity is really dumb to be honest. I know that it sounds like I'm contradicting with myself at the beginning of this entry, since I said that being bashed around by the group that I'm in at school is really embarrassing, when I'm actually more understanding of people than any of them are. But to me, being popular and being treated nicely are two very differently things. I know people who go to schools where there's a popularity thing going on, but the popular groups also treat the less popular groups nicely. Unfortunately, Hollywood Arts isn't like that. All that being said, I still only want to be myself. I just want to be respected for it, not pushed around when me behaving normally isn't even causing any problems to others. I always try to stay out of others' lives, and not make up gossip.

Anyways, enough rambling. Here goes. The actual reason why I put up with my "friends" at school is because of Cat as well. Unfortunately, even though I can usually understand people and read them quite well (especially my best friends), I've never fully managed to understand what Cat sees in our group. I mean, she's not stupid or anything, and I'm sure she realizes that people poke fun of her behind her back just as much as they do to me, but for one reason or another, she always seems to be somewhat attached to our group somehow, especially with her supposed-best friend, Jade. Why a sweet and innocent person like herself would ever put up with a snide and bitter person like Jade, I have no idea. But that's just it – despite all they do to her like they do to me, she in no way, shape, or form seems to be merely putting up with things like I obviously am. And it is for the very reason of getting to be around her that I put up with so much abuse. I don't need to be told to know that I deserve better friends than those four, but I still pretend to be content. I guess the other reason for that would be, if Cat seriously did bond well with our group for some weird reason, if I openly showed dislike towards our group, she might just start ignoring me, and discounting me as a friend.

So, how exactly does that relate to being hesitant to ask Cat out? Well, if I ruin my friendship with her, then the motivation to put up with my group would be all gone. And if that was the case, well, things would be an even bigger of a struggle for me than they'd have to be, and I'm certain that by then I could probably do nothing right. I mean, being a nerd there who doesn't really have that much artistic talent to begin with, the only thing that I am actually good at is academics. It's a well-established fact that I get straight A's in just about all my classes, especially in chemistry, physics, and math. And if I begin to fail at even those things, my future is gonna be pretty limited. Don't even ask me why a person like me is going to Hollywood Arts to begin with. My mom's idea, not mine. She'd been hoping all my life for me to become a rich and famous celebrity for some reason, even after I've told her numerous times that I wanted to be an engineer instead, and still do. The fact that academic universities have a common dislike for students coming out of this school certainly isn't gonna help my application. So, nope, can't mess up my friendship with Cat. Besides, to make matters even more complicated, I just simply don't wanna yell at people, even if they are being complete idiots by bashing me around. The last thing I need to be seen as at school is a spaz or something like that. And like I've already said, Cat is really the only reason why I'm putting up with all this abuse.

Now do you see how complex my life is at school? Though my surface reasons of why I do what I do are rather simple, one sentence reasons, not adhering to them is much, MUCH more complex than they should have to be. But that's what I get for being a lower class citizen at a performing arts school I guess. I tried telling my mom that this would happen, but she didn't believe me. And she still doesn't. Sometimes, I just wish she'd at least listen to me when I talk about it, not completely flat-out tell me that I'm just imagining things without even _considering _what I'm saying. But oh well. I hope she's happy, because I'm putting up with a heck of a lot of crap all because of her decision. If I'm sounding bitter now, I apologize. It's just, like I said, I am super sick of having to deal with this type of stuff day to day.

But yeah, now hopefully you see why it's so hard for me to be able to make any move at all when it came to Cat. A lot of people who know that I like her assume that I'm just too chicken for my own good, and don't have the guts to try to start anything. Well, they can believe what they wanna believe, because it's none of their business really. I'll tell this story to certain people maybe, but not just everyone around. I know letting them know doesn't seem like a huge deal, especially since everything sounds pretty innocent, but trust me, if there's one thing they could pick at anywhere in any nerd's life, the gossipers at Hollywood Arts will find it. And in my story, I'm guessing they'd pick at the façade I put on with my group of "friends" there. Once again, I don't actually give a flying fuck about their views on me since I know they are full of crap. I just maintain my false tolerance for them for my own sake.

Wow, I'm starting to sound just like Jade, am I not? Well, I'll be honest with you for a second. Remember how I said I am fairly capable of understanding people? Well, from my experience, I can tell you that Jade and I are complete opposites now. Whereas I put on a façade of being a scared kid at school who's afraid to fight his own fights, but in reality is someone who's more than willing to, Jade is someone who seems tough, but is an easy to break girl on the inside. Either way, I can understand her situation – somewhat. I mean, I get that she has a lot of family issues, and a history of being the laughing stock of school when she was little, but trust me, she's acting completely like an immature child for the most part. I mean, me and some of my friends have all been there, as well as a whole bunch of other people I've encountered. And it's fine to be upset about this type of stuff, because I totally get that it is capable of scarring people for life. That being said, being able to live in the present is important as well. So it seriously hurts me how she uses me as her stress relief toy, when I've undergone the same type of crap as she has, and am actually trying to move on with my current life. I realize how ignorant I'm starting to sound, and I apologize. Believe me however, I know a lot of her internal thoughts just by the things she says about me when she thinks I got my back turned. And as of now, the only comment I'll make is, she should consider herself lucky that I can understand her somewhat, because if I didn't have the level of empathy that I do, I would have snapped a long time ago, even if Cat had been around.

Okay, anyways, enough about Jade. Back to my current issue at hand. Because – as you could probably tell – I'm still very much lost with it. Normally on a day like today, I'd just try not to think about it and hope that it eventually leaves my mind. But today, that's easier said than done. See, tomorrow, I have this stupid acting presentation that I've been practicing for, and let's just say, I still don't feel ready to present _at all_. I'm actually not too bad at acting (though still far from being talented), but this assignment is totally just, I don't even have a word for it. As you already know, my teacher, Sikowitz, is a little crazy sometimes, right? Awesome teacher and everything, but pretty weird. Well, he gave us this assignment where with a partner, we gotta practice a romance scene. I know, sounds pretty normal and all. But guess who my partner is? Cat. Could be a lot worse, I know. But the problem with presenting a romance scene with her is, well, first of all, everyone well knows the irony of me being paired up to her. So undoubtedly, there'll be people making smooching noises at me later on. Second, I always seem to manage to take the presentation a little too far, and make it more real that it should be. I know that's technically a good thing when you act, but the problem is, like I said, it gives the others in my class a bigger source of comedy than it really should. The only source of comfort I can think of for this is, at least Cat seems to be unaware of what I'm thinking during situations like these. Otherwise I'm sure it would make things twice as awkward for the two of us.

By the way, just on the topic of Cat, I've never told you our background that clearly, have I? Out of all a hundred sixty four times I've told you about Cat in the past (again, not that I'm counting), every single time was either details about our hangouts, or just me rambling on about how amazing of a friend she was. Wow, have I thought of a lot of stories to tell you today so far. I guess it's time that you found out, diary, because it's not proper to just leave you without any details like that, especially if you kind of need to know in order to understand my relationship with Cat better.

So anyways, here's my story: I met Cat back in kindergarten, right on the first day of school. Just like any other kid at the time, I was extremely nervous to have been left on my own by my parents. In fact, for me, it was bad enough to the point where I just sat in the corner of the room all by myself, waiting for the day to be over with. I didn't want to eat snacks with the other children when it was snack time, refused to make things with them during arts and crafts time, and overall just tried to avoid everyone, including my teacher. After a while of trying to get me to participate a little, my teacher kind of just gave up and left me alone in my corner to stare at the floor. But when the day was almost over, one of the girls in my class came up to me and introduced herself.

"Hi! My name is Cat, just like the animal!" she said to me. And I don't know why, but for some reason she got me to, for the first time that day, talk. No one else could at all – including the teacher.

"Hi, I'm Robbie," I had said back, casually, not warming up to her too much, but happy that someone – other than the teacher – had actually taken the time to pop by where I was sitting to talk to me. I mean, I get that in order to make friends, you gotta go out to meet others, but the problem with these other people were, they already seemed to know each other as if they'd been living together for years now. So I felt extremely out of place. Nevertheless, if someone was willing to talk to me, they were always welcome.

"Oooh, I like your name! You wanna play with me and my friends?" she had responded with the same voice. Seemed that her hyper nature was permanent, and at the time, I had wondered if it was a normal thing. But I knew that it wasn't a polite thing to bring up, and besides, she seemed nice enough. On top of all, if she was as nice as she seemed, I figured, her friends must have been as well. So I had accepted her offer, and before I could give it a second thought, she grabbed my hand and pulled me towards where her and her friends were playing some game (I can't recall what).

Playing with her friends was fun that day, but what I really only ended picking up and keeping was being friends with her. Even back then, as time went on, people had grown to be easily weirded out by me, so they began to avoid me, except for a select few people in my life. And since most of my friends were in other schools, Cat was pretty much the only one I had. So I constantly followed her around talking to her, and wouldn't leave her alone. What was good was, she didn't seem to mind.

Coincidentally, we stayed in the same school as we progressed into elementary school and then junior high. And as we progressed, I began to get more and more negative attention, which in turn created the effect of binding me closer and closer to Cat. Even when she also began to face getting made fun of by others for being friends with "the loser" (AKA me) she stuck strongly with me, and never for a second appeared to regret the decision even when she completely lost her old group of friends. This, I was truly touched by, and still am. I know that for most people, they'd immediately break off their contact with the person who made them unpopular if they had any option to at all. So if anything, I still owe Cat big time for that.

But yeah, you see how complicated my background with this girl is? You might have just told me to go for it, and that I had nothing to lose if I told her my true feelings, but hopefully now, you understand just how special of a friendship this is for me. I might literally kill myself if I ever ruined it over selfish reasons. I mean, don't worry, I'm not usually suicidal or anything. But if anything that heartbreaking happened to me, who knows what I'd do? I don't, nor do I ever wanna find out.

Anyways, I think I've rambled about this issue quite enough already for one night. Besides, it's nearing bedtime for me, and I still got to mentally rehearse my lines for the acting assignment tomorrow once more. Hopefully it'll work out well, but I'm still uncertain about it as of now. That being said, I'll update you as soon as I can about it. Tell you in as much detail as I can remember. For now though, I'll just leave things as they are. Until next time, later!

Robbie.

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**A/N: So there's the first bit for you! Like I said, please tell me if I should give this a go or not! I'd like to, but only if people enjoy it, because I don't wanna post crap. Again, be honest, but be nice! Well, you know the procedure. Review please! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: OMG I got a LOT of explaining to do, don't I? Okay, first things first. I SINCERELY apologize for abandoning this for TWO FRIGGING MONTHS while it was SUMMER. I gotta agree with you all, that's pretty much inexcusable. So if you got tired of waiting at all, apologies, and I do not blame you one bit.**

**As for why it took me so long to update, well, let's just say, my summer did not go as planned. It's a long story really, and I will not bore you with it if you don't wanna hear it, but I'll just say, everything happened all to fast, and all too last minute. I had plans on doing this story at least once every week, but things got way too messed up in order for me to. On top of all that, well, when I did have some free time, well, I simply wanted to take a break and not have to think about anything for a while. So yeah, I'll admit, part of it was also laziness. That being said, I did not abandon you all (for anyone still following), and still do intend on completing this thing, just because I see potential for it. I don't know how many of you remember me saying I was going to do another story, which is diary entries written by Cat, to contrast/parallel/juxtapose this one, so we can see indirect, subconscious conflict, but I also posted that one (titled Cat's Diary for now, since I really suck at titles as usual). Read the description, and it will mention that it's an accompanying story to this one. So check it out people, if you still are interested in this :)  
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**Lastly, I'd like to thank you all for being so patient as I took so long to get this one to you, and continue developing the story. Remember, just because the show is dead from T.V. don't mean it's dead from within us. :) **

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_Tuesday, November 15, 2011 _

Dear Diary,

Today was a better day. Although still far from being _perfect_, it was, dare I say, liveable, unlike how most other days have been for the past while. I didn't have unpleasant thoughts stuck in my mind like I usually do, so I could actually focus well during the day. That means, unlike yesterday, I could pay attention well in class, and I got my homework done, so I basically have the evening all to myself tonight, which is always nice. Something that seems to apply to most students is that once you begin high school, your social life kind of just leaves you. Not that I had much of one to begin with, but I definitely did have much more free time for hobbies before grade 10. I mean, sure, there are always going to be those days where I get extraordinarily lucky and have no homework or tests to study for from any of my classes, but they are by far rare. And if you're like me, who's taking all the core subjects available at school, along with the mandatory courses, then guaranteed you'll be busier than most others around you.

To be honest with you though, because a night of free time is such a luxury, I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with myself right now. Now, of course I'm happy for it, because I'm always happy to be relaxed and worry-free when I can. But I really gotta start preparing things I can do during these times, or else I'll just end up wasting my time. Like, right now it is only 4 in the afternoon, and I don't go to bed until half past 10, so I got like, 6 and a half hours to myself. What sucks is that I've completely lost interest in my old hobbies because of the fact that I've left them alone for so long, so I don't even have those options available anymore. And no, don't suggest gaming, because I don't game. I know you thought of that because people often associate nerds like me with video games, but that's just not what I like. No, I prefer to be more hands-on with my experiences, and have them at least be somewhat real, not just be pressing buttons controlling a virtual world on a T.V. screen. Maybe I should take up something like knitting? I've always wanted to actually. Totally girly, I know, but hey, I am Robbie Shapiro, and I don't give a crap about that. Of course, I'd keep my hobby concealed from people around school, but what's the worst that can happen at home, right? Food for thought I guess.

Anyways, you probably wanna know how my performance on stage went, right? Well, let's begin by saying that nothing out of the blue really happened. Everything pretty much went as according to expectations and plan – we got on stage, said our lines, tried to at least kind of make it sound real, and step off as everyone gave us a dry applause. And of course, everything was really awkward, especially the part where we had to hold hands and stare into each other's eyes like we were about to kiss. But what went well was the fact that unlike a lot of other times I act, this time, I actually didn't take things too far. It wasn't easy though, because for me, acting almost always quickly becomes a real situation that I'm in. So to make sure that didn't happen, I constantly reminded myself that I was at school and doing an assignment, not in an actual romance situation with the stunning red-haired girl who was my partner, as much as I would like that to happen. The last thing I needed was to dreamily kiss her on stage. I'm sure that would have earned us a higher grade (more like a guaranteed A+) if I did, and Cat would likely let it pass as acting, but believe me, others would definitely not let me ever hear the end of _that_ one. Heck, if I actually went for the kill like that, I hardly think I'd actually even stop and leave it as just a simple lip touch. And you'd better believe that if it got that far, we'd _really_ have something to talk about between the two of us – that is, if we still talked to each other afterwards of course.

All that set aside, the aftermath was also as predicted – a lot of people making fun of us, teasing us with the rumor of us being a couple, and not letting us hear the end of it. And of course, as always, they pushed in the fact that I secretly _did_ want something to happen between Cat and I But let's just say, at least that's all they did, and they didn't try something crazy like force us to date for real so they'd have more to talk about. Believe me, that has happened to others I know before, and it is just horrifying the strategies that are involved in forcing people together. But again, you gotta take into account – I secretly _want_ to be with Cat for real. Unfortunately, most people forced together by other kids don't really want to, even secretly. All it is, is some annoying yet popular kid starting a rumor like "Kaitlyn likes Alan" and bam! Things just fall into place. That easily. The power of popularity in Hollywood Arts is like crystal meth, I tell you – once you have it, you just can't stop. And meanwhile, you'll do all these horrible things to yourself and others, such as blow off your true friends, waste your money, so on so forth, just to get more. It's sad really. I almost feel sorry for the people who got sucked in. _Almost_. But as per usual, since most of them knew of the consequences before they tried it out, and many of them promised not to get sucked in too far but did anyways, well, in the end, they really only got themselves to blame. If you were forced in by other popular kids, that's a different story. But I think it's fair to say, majority chose that path themselves.

If I'm starting to sound bitterer than yesterday, then once again, I must apologize. But unfortunately, I must also say that the fact that I do sound bitterer is probably because I am. See, even though today was technically better than yesterday, well, let's just say, I've gotten to the point where bitter is basically my trademark for those who can see through my façade at school. That only includes some of my closest friends, and probably Cat too, though all to only a limited degree. While they all undergo the same type of stuff I do and can almost perfectly understand my bitterness (as I can theirs), I don't tell them everything I tell you on a regular basis, diary. Because even though I'm sure that I can trust them, you never know who might be listening around you – in or out of school. Let's just say, when you live near world-famous Hollywood, anything (and I mean ANYTHING) can happen. It's not all fun and games, I'm afraid.

That was something I had to learn the hard way actually. Fortunately for me, nothing _terrible_ happened per say, but enough happened that I didn't repeat the mistake of telling my friends extremely dark secrets again. What basically happened was something along the lines of this: Right before winter break last year, Cat and I, along with our friends Kaitlyn, Burf, and Nadine were all hanging out in the community park that's right nearby, just sitting and chatting about random stuff – from what we planned to do during Christmas to what was new at school some of us might have missed out hearing on, to funny stuff that happened in each of our classes. And yes, being teenagers, we also just HAD to throw in the topic of romance as well. If you ever talk with teens, _always_ expect that to pop up. No exceptions. But unlike how the popular kids who just gather to talk BS gossip about others and to secretly plot who they're gonna make fun of next for supposedly "liking" someone else, we usually only keep things to ourselves. Of course we make fun of the popular group as well, but we always keep our content within our group. On this particular day though, the main focus was who each of our new love interests or significant others were. Even as I write this entry nearly a year later, I can still tell you it went a little like this: Sinjin liked Jade (no surprise there really), Kaitlyn liked James, Burf liked Alexis, and Nadine liked Zach. As for Cat, well, she claimed to like no one at the time, though I have a feeling she was lying. Now, whether she was lying or not, and if so, who she liked (and who she currently might like) I don't know. But because she was so convincing about her claim, Sinjin, Kaitlyn, Burf, and Nadine all bought it without further questioning her. I on the other hand, knew that I couldn't get out of the question so easily by saying that I didn't like anyone. Everyone who knew me also knew how horrible of a liar I am when it comes to these types of questions, so I knew what I was up against. But regardless of all that, I also knew that I didn't want to just spill the beans with Cat sitting beside me right then and there. So at that moment, I knew I was limited to one of two options: Either I could admit everything, from beginning to end, and risk ruining my friendship with Cat, or I could admit everything from beginning to end, but direct everything at another girl – _any_ other girl at all.

While it's no doubt what option I chose at that moment, I think – and this is where I learn my lesson of being careful of what I say in Hollywood – you'd actually be quite surprised at the outcome of my choice. I mean, as expected, I channeled my feelings for Cat through the name of another girl and treated everything like it was related to Cat, so nothing surprising there. But as for the name that I chose (more like just spewed out) to replace Cat's name with, well, it might come across to some (including you) as a shock. It's just, my brain and mouth reacted right on the spot before I really had much of a chance to think about what I was going to say. And since you can't really take back words, once I said it, I really didn't have much of a choice but to continue on with it. I didn't know any girls whose names sounded close to the one I said, so I couldn't use that excuse either.

Okay, you ready to hear her name? Here are some hints: she's half-latina, name starts with a T, known for having cute cheekbones, and is secretly in love with Andre Harris at school. Yeah, that's right, Tori Vega. Don't ask me why, because I really don't know my reasoning for saying her name out of any others possible. Even if I said Kaitlyn Reefe or Nadine Zhao, the results wouldn't have been bad. I mean, I know we're all close friends and all, so it might have made things a little awkward, but that would have been overlooked almost immediately. Saying Tori's name however, was quite different. For one, she's an extremely popular student at Hollywood Arts who was really more of a bitch than anything else, as much as it hurts me to say it. Pretty, maybe beautiful even, but a bitch. For another, well, if any other popular kid heard a geek like me say that I liked someone as popular as Tori, well, that would really give the popular gang something to talk about.

And wouldn't you know? Unfortunately for me, that's exactly what happened. See, all the time when I was confessing all the feelings I had for Cat and concentrating it to Tori, I talked loud enough to be heard from say, a few metres, and I didn't check whether or not anyone was listening in. But let's just say, I found out pretty quick that not only was someone listening in who shouldn't have been, but also, they recorded me talking the whole time and posted it on for all to hear. So you can probably guess that I had A LOT of fun after that. In fact, if you've ever wondered why everyone at school thought for a whole six months that I liked Tori, there you go right there.

So now you see what I mean when I say that literally _anything_ could happen in the Hollywood district? Especially for easy targets such as kids like my friends and I. And if my first-hand experience story doesn't convince you enough, then you should hear some of my friends' even more horrific experiences. Trust me, compared to Kaitlyn's worst experience, I've got no right to complain about being falsely accused for liking Tori Vega. But I'll leave her to tell that – if she wants to.

Now, I know you must be wondering how it's even possible that Cat's still oblivious to my feelings, given the circumstances. I mean, hey, with people who just love to take malicious delight on others, you'd expect them to unleash one's deepest secret towards the person who

is not supposed to know them, right? Well, this is what I meant by not telling even close friends secrets on a regular basis. See, the thing is, if I told my friends of the reason why I don't tell Cat myself (the fear of losing friendship), then maybe, just maybe, some idiot(s) at school would hear me, and then attempt to mess up the friendship I've worked so hard to hold on to. But luckily, the assumption at school is that deep down, I want to tell Cat so I could have commitment with her, but I'm too chicken to. So while by not telling her they all think they're aiding in keeping me away from my forbidden love, in reality, I think they're actually doing me a favor by helping avoid awkwardness. Haha, so yeah, for once, being a nerd and portrayed as weak has its advantages. That's not to say though, that people at school don't still give me a miserable time about my unrequited love – they just do it when I'm pretty much alone. I mean, they all know about it and all, but not even in front of my friends will they give me a hard time, for fear of encouraging them to "help" me by maybe pushing them to tell her for me. So believe me, I will keep my mouth shut on this one, because it's not every day where these idiots at school will actually end up doing a favor instead of a burden, no matter how indirect.

You wanna know what rumor about Cat and I _is_ highly publicized at school though? By publicized I mean, carried out openly in the presence of both of us. I'm sure I've already told you about it at least several times by now, but I'll say it again: You know how, due to the fact that Cat and I are so close, and that there's my one-sided crush involved, someone of course, just HAD to take things one step further and create the rumor that we are a "couple" at school? In fact, not only are we a "couple" by their standards, but rather, we're known as the "Infamous Loser Pair." You wouldn't believe just how often this one gets passed around. In fact, I'd be darned if there was a single person at school who didn't know about it. But you know what? As annoying as hearing that gets for me, they can say it as many times as they like, because I know it ain't true, and so do everyone else who matter at school. At this stage, I'm more concerned about Cat, and how she might feel towards all this. I mean, I know that she's partially like me, and has stopped caring enough a lot of times to continuously become offended, but let's be honest – Cat is known pretty much to be a rather sensitive person. I know, because I am as well. The thing is, how many times do you hear me say "what's that supposed to mean?!" in an offended tone when something that's not the least bit offensive is said towards you? I don't mean to sound like I'm deliberately trying to mock her or anything, just pointing out some possible facts. That being said, I actually haven't seen Cat grow terribly offended or anything just yet, but that's only when I'm around. Mark my words, if I ever catch a popular idiot annoying her behind my back, then they will have a messed up face for the rest of their lives – ESPECIALLY if it's Tori, Andre, Beck, or Jade.

Oh yeah, and speaking of which, I of course also got a fair share of each of them today. By that I mean, of course they just HAD to make fun of me after Cat and I's performance. I mean, of course it's for the same reason as everyone else makes fun of us, but knowing them, let's just say, if there's any possible way to make it even more torturous and annoying than it already is, they'll find it. So not only did they make fun of Cat and I together for being the "loser couple" AND made fun of me alone for liking Cat but not having her as my girlfriend, but also, they kept coming up with reasons of why I'd never be able to achieve relationship status with her at all, for all these stupid reasons, such as how I'm "too loser even for another loser" and such. Now, of course I try not to take them seriously on that part, since in my opinion, they're the real losers for constantly calling other people losers for no good reason. That and the fact that I've gotten so used to it I can easily just tune them out. The part that does get really annoying and torturous, even for me is that they keep throwing in reminders to me of how my previous attempts to start anything with Cat had all failed one way or another, which I'll admit, does make me at least a bit discouraged. For example, do you remember that time where I was chasing after Trina due to that stage kiss she gave me while acting? Yeah, I know I was a fool, don't remind me please. Anyways, yeah, when Cat gave me that kiss to demonstrate that passion could be faked, I pretty much started to try to start something up, remember? The thing is, because of the way I acted due to Trina's stage kiss, how could Cat possibly take me seriously, right? And honestly, to this day, I don't think Cat actually understands that my feelings for her are completely genuine. A lot of people who get into teenage relationships are on and off about their feelings, and date just to "experiment" but not me. Even having never dated, shared a kiss besides stage kiss with anyone, or even held hands with anyone for a reason beyond friendship, I can still almost honestly say that I truly love Cat. I mean, I guess her being obnoxious to my real feelings (not stupid reactions to stage kisses) is kind of my own problem since I'm so afraid of running things if I tell, but I didn't think I was _that_ hard to read either. I always thought and counted on all this time for her to eventually pick up so I wouldn't have to out loud make any confessions or anything, but clearly we can see how well that's working out (more like _not_ working out) for me so far.

Can I tell you another secret though, regarding that time I was wooing over Trina's "amazing" stage kiss? Well, let's just say, the scene was partly set up by me ahead of time. You might be thinking along with most others that I was just a desperate teenage guy with no girlfriend, and was willing to do anything to get some feminine attention, but that wasn't the case. See, even though a year ago I hadn't yet realized completely my feelings for Cat, I still well knew that I liked her more than I should have, and was trying to earn more of her attention than she usually gave. Plus, you know how Trina was and still is – bitchy and just full of herself – right? So I decided during that scene, not only could I use it to my advantage, but actually, I could get back at her a little bit. So in the end, yeah, I only faked most of it to try to make Cat jealous to try to get her attention. Like I said, foolish since it didn't work for the most part, besides the kiss. And no, Trina's stage kiss wasn't as amazing as I claimed it was either. Haha, but Cat's was pretty nice.

As usual, you know the procedure, but I gotta remind you again: DO NOT reveal to anyone what I just told you. PLEASE. Because for one, if Trina finds out, well, who knows what she'd have in mind to get back at me for that move. And for another, it would just give everyone else at school something else to laugh about – my "desperation" for feminine affection, they'd call it. Finally, if no other reason appeals, I obviously don't want Cat to think I'm overly desperate for attention either. I mean, as of now, I'm still confused as to whether or not she even completely understands my feelings towards her, or if she thinks it was and still is all part of a joke or rumor. It mildly reassures me that she most likely still doesn't know my real feelings, but as always, well, what's more depressing than knowing that you're actually _glad_ the person you wish could become your significant other is obnoxious to your deep feelings for her? The more I think about it, the more I'm actually tempted to say that I _am_ just too chicken to tell her myself, so I'm putting it off. Or maybe I'm just trying to give it all I got without actually doing so, if you know what I mean.

Whatever it might be, I gotta stop thinking about this as much as I currently do – that's a given. You wanna know why? Well, let's just say, last night, I had a dream about Cat. A very sweet dream, that's definitely for sure. But like everyone else who has sweet dreams about their crushes, the moment I woke up and realized it was only a dream, I immediately became depressed about it. In fact, this time, I got so frustrated and sad, especially given the recent circumstances, that I actually shed a few tears from it. I know, I know, crying won't get me anything, and stereotypically, big boys aren't supposed to cry. I get it. But as much as I agree that crying won't solve anything, let me answer the "boys don't cry" call – what else am I supposed to do with sadness I bottle up? Store it and make myself more miserable? Or would it be even healthier to just release it? So yep, I'm still gonna cry if I have to, even if I'm a guy. That being said, I only do that at home, not at school. After having to endure the torture I receive from other students at school every day, I don't need to be known as a crybaby as well.

So, you wanna know what the dream is, right? Well, let's just say, if you were my mom, I'd try to tell you in the most innocent way possible, but would only end up sounding weird anyways. So yeah, in case you haven't picked up on that yet, it means a rather "graphic" dream – one that involves a lot of make out sessions in a bedroom. Get the hint? Now, I don't want to straight out say that I wanna sleep with Cat Valentine or anything, and in fact, believe it or not, it's not something that I think about on a regular basis, unlike how a lot of other guys think about their crushes. It's just, well, it's the reality of what happened to me in a dream – twice before as well. Only, I pretty much thought nothing of it until now. I mean, I can't just have the same dream 3 times and not expect it to be trying to say something. I'm not a conspiracy theorist or anyone else who comes up with crazy theories of what their dreams mean or anything, but I think that given these circumstances, dreaming of sleeping with the same person 3 times probably means more than just my hormones hitting peak level.

Hopefully if I thought about this a little less than I currently do, it would make it easier on me overall? The problem is, I gotta figure out exactly how I'm gonna manage to get my mind away. I mean, certainly I could just pick up new hobbies, if I find any interesting. But that's just it – a lot of things no longer interest me. In my spare time nowadays, I usually just kind of sit back and let my mind wander. I consider that a very relaxing hobby actually – if one is able to find the right appreciation for it. But I guess the only way to stop thinking so much about Cat is to find a hobby that won't let my mind wander that freely. I'm thinking maybe taking up gaming on my PC again, maybe? I mean, I got a big ol' fancy gaming computer in my room, and all I use it for nowadays is basically to do homework with. Time to do something more useful with it. Who knows? After dinner later I might just go over to the electronics store to pick up that new racing game that just came out. I heard it's really good apparently – so many people at school talk about it, including Sinjin. Maybe if I like the display sample that I try out at the store, I'll officially re-enter my old hobby. There's nothing like taking your stress out on your keyboard or controller.

Speaking of dinner, I think I'm gonna go eat that right now. I mean, I've covered everything there is for today, and I really can't think of anything else that's worth mentioning in the meantime. But I will say this: from now on, I'm gonna move you from buried within my desk drawer to locked away inside my safekeeping box. Heck, just from today, you how contain too many sensitive pieces of information for me to risk you being found, diary. Hope you like your new home. Anyways, I'll keep you posted on my current state and everything else that goes on, as always. See you tomorrow!

Robbie..

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**A/N: So how did I do on this one? I actually started this chap somewhere in July, but didn't get to many chances to complete it until now, so quality I'd say is probably around the same, maybe? I did try to catch silly typos I made and all, but I don't think I caught all of them...Anyways, you guys know the procedure. Tell me what you thought :)**


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